


Who You Are

by TayTay4936



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Aloof Jensen, Christmas, Family, Family Feels, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Jensen kind of being an asshole, M/M, Sick Jared, Sick Jared Padalecki, awesome sisters, non-au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2018-10-26 03:52:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10779003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TayTay4936/pseuds/TayTay4936
Summary: Supernatural is in its 13th season.  The boys, who have maintained a secret relationship since season 1, are looking forward to the holiday break.  However, Jensen's reluctance to give his family any sort of reminder that their relationship exists pushes Jared over the edge.  Jensen may not realize the enormity of their fight...or of the pain Jared seems to be in lately.





	1. Have a Good Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> I probably should not be writing this. I have a whole list of fics that I desperately need to update, but this idea has been swimming around in my head for so long that I finally had to start putting it down. This is my first venture writing for this fandom, so I hope it's not too terrible. I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Also, 1. In this fic, the only kids the boys have are Tom, Shep, and JJ. 2. The title is a work in progress. My brain is fried at the moment and it was difficult to come up with anything fitting.

Jared was traveling back and forth across the room, packing clothes into suitcases, when Jensen entered the doorway. He watched silently as Jared hummed an offbeat tune to himself, a small content smile on his face.

Feeling his stomach drop, Jensen entered their bedroom, not so subtly clearing his throat.

Jared looked up with one of his trademark dimpled grins. “Hey, babe. I think we got everything. Finally got all the presents finished. We got your dad, your mom, Mack, and Josh. And we got his kids’ presents over-“ Jensen finally couldn’t take it anymore and cut him off.

“Jay! Listen!” Jared stopped immediately. Any other time, Jensen would have laughed at his gigantor of a husband (technically domestic partner, which Jensen’s mother never failed to mention) stopping mid-sentence, looking like a confused puppy, but right now he just felt sick.

“I’ve been thinking. Your dad just retired, and I know he’s probably looking forward to spending the holidays with all his kids. I’d hate to be the reason he couldn’t have you there, especially considering how busy our schedules are…”

Jared was quiet for a few moments that felt like lifetimes to Jensen, before his demeanor completely changed, his eyes squinting in suspicion and anger.

“Your mother told you to tell me not to come, didn’t she?”

“Jay…” Jensen sighed. This was the same dilemma Jensen had been having for years, and quite frankly, it was exhausting, trying to make everyone happy. “It’s just that my grandma is going to be there this year, and my mom is worried about how she’ll react to…us.”

Jared scoffed and gave a knowing nod. “How long ago did she tell you to tell me not to come?”

The seconds ticked by as Jensen ducked his head, giving Jared all the answer he needed. Still, he didn’t miss Jensen’s quiet mumble.

“A few weeks ago.”

Jared scoffed again before he began pacing around the room, his hands instinctively reaching up to yank at his hair. “I can’t fucking believe this! How many years has it been? And she still can’t accept it? I still have to hide away like some dirty little secret while you play perfect little Christian boy?”

“Hey!” Jensen barked, instantly becoming defensive. “That is NOT fair! You don’t know what it’s like, having to bend over backwards trying to please everybody.”

“Really?” Jared’s own anger was beginning to boil over. “Because it seems to me that the only ones you care about pleasing are your parents. And I get the table scraps.”

As soon as he was done talking, Jared’s fingertips immediately went to his head and his eyes squeezed shut as he tried to relieve some of the pressure that had accumulated in his head.

“Oh that’s rich,” Jensen practically sneered. “You don’t want to face our argument like a man, so you get one of your ‘headaches’.” He finished his sentence with air quotes.

“It really fucking hurts, Jensen,” Jared ground out through gritted teeth.

“Well, suck it up. I get headaches all the time too, trying to balance everything between you and my parents, but I don’t whine about it. I keep on goin’, and I damn sure don’t use a headache to get out of an argument.”

As he felt the worst of his pain begin to recede, Jared plopped down onto the bed, trying to catch his breath. As he placed a hand over his rapidly beating heart, he glared up at Jensen.

“Fine,” he panted out. “You don’t want me there to complicate your façade, no problem. I’ll go to my parents’, but I’m taking the kids with me. All of them.”

Jensen opened his mouth to protest, but stopped as Jared raised his hand.

“No. I don’t care what lie you have to make up, I’m not spending Christmas without all my babies. That’s not gonna happen. You can tell your family whatever you want to about Danneel. I don’t really care. But you’re not taking any of my kids. They deserve to spend Christmas together, like the siblings they are.”

Resigned, Jensen sighed and nodded. It was the least he could do, he knew. He had screwed up majorly. First with caving in to his mother’s wants, then prolonging telling Jared until the literal last minute, and then basically calling Jared weak for not being able to shake off what looked to be a clearly painful headache.

“Just let me say goodbye to them before you head out, okay?”

Jared nodded before leaving the room to gather up the kids.

Jensen wasn’t sure what Jared had told them, but before long, he heard the pitter patter of his children’s feet coming down the hall. They all came into the room, disappointment clear on all their faces, but there was no anger, so Jensen knew Jared had covered for him. Big time.

He hugged and kissed them all, telling them to have fun and that he would talk to them soon.

Tom was the last one to say his goodbyes and when he did, Jensen pulled him into a tight embrace. “You make sure to take care of your brother, your sister, and Daddy, alright?”

Tom nodded. “I will, Dad. I promise.” “That’s my boy.”

As the kids made their way back down the hall, Jared and Jensen stared intently at one another before Jared gave him the tiniest of smiles. “Have a good Christmas. I hope it’s everything you hope for.” He was quiet for a moment before finishing, “I love you.”

Before Jensen could respond, Jared offered him one last smile and made his way out the door.


	2. Christmas Gifts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am overwhelmed by the amazing feedback I have gotten for this story! You guys are incredible! I really hope I don't let anybody down.
> 
> I meant to get to what is going on with Jared in this chapter, but the chapter kind of ran away from me. But I'm in a groove now, so hopefully I'll have the next chapter up tonight as well. It took me a while to update because I moved cross country a couple weeks ago so things have been a bit chaotic. But I have another week before I have to start my new job, so maybe a miracle will strike and I'll have this story done before then!
> 
> Thank you again for all the love. Please continue to let me know what you think.

Jensen had been wanting to leave for the last two weeks.

He’d arrived two weeks ago. 

The entire way to his parents’ house, he felt a sense of ‘wrong.  This is wrong.  What am I doing?’

 It only got worse when he saw his sister.

 _Jensen walked through the door of the house, tasteful decorations all around and the sounds of voices seemingly coming from all directions.  As he called out a “hello,” Mackenzie bounded up to him with a ginormous grin and wrapped him in a bear hug, swaying back and forth._

_“Hey, big brother!  I missed you.”  He had missed her too.  His sister was a bundle of energy who never let his fame get to her.  She and Josh had also accepted who he was from the start, both adoring Jared and each of the kids to no end._

_Therefore, it was no surprise that Mackenzie quickly looked around Jensen on all sides, grin still plastered on her face, before giving him a slightly confused look._

_“Where’s everybody else?”_

_“They’re all in San Antonio,” he mumbled quietly, head hung low.  Immediately, Mackenzie’s demeanor changed.  As they heard relatives approaching, she pulled him into a deserted hallway before swiftly slapping him across the face._

_Jensen had to admit he wasn’t surprised by the act, but he was reminded how strong his little sister was.  He knew he’d be feeling the whiplash for the rest of the night._

_“What the fuck did you **do**?”  she asked in a harsh whisper.  She had spent the last couple months talking to Jared about Christmas plans, even helping him with a particular gift, and had been ecstatic to spend the holiday with all her siblings **and** their families for the first time in ages._

_“It wasn’t my idea,” Jensen mumbled meekly, his eyes unconsciously shifting in the direction of their mother’s voice, wafting in from the kitchen._

_Mackenzie caught on immediately and scowled, a low growl even being released under her breath._

_“Jensen,” she started tensely, “you can’t let her run your life forever.  Hell, you can’t let **people** run your life forever.”  Jensen knew she was referring to the network demanding that he and Jared stay in the closet._

_“This is your family we’re talking about.  Your husband and your children.  And you’re willing to just leave them behind at Christmastime?  You know how excited Jared was to spend it with us this year.”_

_Jensen closed his eyes and nodded, feeling even worse than he had been._

_“Mom’s never gonna change unless you stand up to her,” Mackenzie continued.  “And before you know it, your kids will be grown up with almost no memories of spending time with your side of the family and Jared will feel less like your husband and more like your hidden secret.  And that’s not fair to any of you.  Or us, for that matter.”_

_Jensen wanted to cry.  He knew he had fucked up and hearing it from his sister, her words sounding so much like Jared’s the last time they spoke, was making the feeling in his chest tighter and tighter._

_“I know.  I know it’s not.  I’m a coward and I know that.”  He told her how their mom had used their grandmother’s presence this year as a reason for Jared to stay behind._

_“Jensen,” Mackenzie sighed.  “She’s always going to find an excuse to exclude Jared and the boys as long as you continue to let her.  Speaking of which, I’m surprised you didn’t bring JJ along in order to fulfill this stupid little charade you’re trying to pull.”_

_When he told her of Jared’s refusal to spend Christmas away from any of his children, wanting them to spend the holiday the way normal siblings should, Mackenzie offered him her first smile since she had dragged him to the hallway._

_“You know, sometimes I wonder what the hell you ever did to deserve him.”_

_Jensen couldn’t help but agree._

* * *

 

_It wasn’t long after that that Josh found the two of them in the hallway._

_After being informed what was going on, he couldn’t help but look at his brother with a look of such disappointment that it made Jensen feel like he was two inches tall._

_“Wow, bro.  I-…Wow.”  With that, he shook his head and walked away, and in a way, that was way worse to Jensen than if he had just punched him instead._

_He eventually made his way further into the house, greeting various relatives without really paying attention, including his grandmother, who to her credit appeared to have no idea she had been part of the cause for his current anguish._

_His mother had acted completely surprised that he had shown up alone, asking in front of everyone where Danneel and JJ were.  Though the question made him want to scream in her face and throttle her across the room, Jensen instead quickly made up the familiar lie that JJ was sick so Danneel stayed behind with her.  That seemed to pacify everyone in the room, though Jensen swore he saw his sister spit in the sink before making her exit, Josh right behind._

_It wasn’t much later that Donna came up with the “brilliant” idea for everyone to give up their phones to be locked up so they could all spend “quality time” together.  Naturally, all of the ‘adult kids’ objected, especially since they would be staying until just after New Year’s, but Donna was insistent and had the encouragement of all the senior citizens in the room.  With groans and glares, Jensen, Mackenzie, Josh, and his wife all handed over their phones, another feeling of ‘Wrong, wrong, wrong’ going through Jensen._

Now it was New Year’s Eve and Jensen hadn’t spoken to his husband or his kids in two weeks.

It was two weeks’ worth of torture.

When it finally dawned on him to call Jared from the landline phone his parents still had, there was no answer.  He felt like he was about to go crazy, if he hadn’t gotten there already.

As he passed his mother as he left the kitchen, she shot him a quick glance before scurrying into the kitchen without a word.

Things had been…weird…between them since Christmas Eve.

_Everyone was sitting around the living room as presents were distributed.  They were all talking jovially amongst themselves, Jensen building his own little bubble around himself as he played with his brother’s kids, feeling like his heart was breaking, thinking about Jared and picturing his own kids opening up their presents on Christmas Eve._

_They went around the room, each person opening one gift during each go-around._

_Mackenzie squealed as she opened a first edition copy of her favorite novel.  As she opened the cover to maybe find out who it was from, she saw a long note written on a blank page.  By the time she was done, she had tears in her eyes.  When asked who the gift was from and what it was, she merely shook her head and held the book to her chest, making eye contact with Jensen._

_Yeah.  Jared knew she’d love it._

_Still, Jensen couldn’t help wondering what his husband had written inside that would make his sister cry._

_Things continued in a similar fashion with each gift from Jared.  Josh loved his brand new set of tools to continue his passion of working on cars and he and his wife both cried when they saw the custom storybook made by both Jared and Megan about a little boy/superhero with Down Syndrome.  He knew he’d be reading that to Levi later.  His wife cracked up at her customized ‘ugly sweater’ and Levi and his sister loved their toys._

_Alan was completely caught off guard when he unwrapped a framed collage poster of all the films and shows he had ever worked on.  When he asked who it was from, Jensen merely called out “Dad” and gave his father a look before Alan nodded and offered an almost sad smile.  Jensen knew the relationship between his dad and Jared was complicated.  Though like his wife he didn’t necessarily approve of their relationship, Alan knew that Jared was a good person with a huge heart._

_The final present of the evening was Donna’s and Jensen, Josh, and Mackenzie all watched intently, all knowing what she would find.  As she removed the last of the paper, Donna immediately burst into tears._

_She unwrapped a large framed painting.  It was an exact replica of her favorite photo of her children, from when they were little._

_She looked around frantically trying to find who had done this for her.  When she finally asked, it was Mackenzie who spoke._

_“Turn it over.”_

_Attached to the back of the frame was an envelope with an enclosed letter:_

_'Dear Mrs. Ackles,_

_I am not naïve enough to believe that you like me, much less have any sort of affection for me.  I’m sorry I could not be what you wish for your son.  However, the fact remains that I love him with every fiber of my being for who and what he is.  He brightens my world on my darkest days.  Therefore, I want to say thank you.  Thank you for bringing such an extraordinary human being into the world and raising him to be the man I love so much.  I thank you and truly love you for giving me such a priceless gift._

_I remembered you saying once that this was your favorite photo, so I had Mackenzie send me a copy to have it professionally made into this painting.  I hope it meets your approval._

_I hope you have the merriest of Christmases._

_Love,_

_Jared’_

_More tears came to her eyes as Donna read the letter.  A small smile came to her face before she neatly folded the letter back up, placed it back in its envelope, and put it in the pocket of her sweater._

Ever since then, things had been off.  It was as if Donna constantly wanted to say something to Jensen, but something held her back, whether it was her own pride or Jensen’s cold shoulder, neither of them really knew.

Things continued like this until that afternoon, when all the family members reconvened for the New Year’s festivities.

Jensen was sitting in a chair at the far end of the room, trying to fade into the paint on the wall as much as possible, when there was a loud banging on the door.

Confused, Josh got up to answer it.  Jensen’s head snapped up when he heard the unmistakable voice of Megan Padalecki.

“Where the fuck is he?!”


	3. Lovers, Mothers, Brothers, and Sisters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys continue to be absolutely amazing! I am floored by everyone's reactions.
> 
> I was extremely nervous about this chapter, so I hope it lives up to everybody's standards.
> 
> Your feedback gives me life.

_“Where the fuck is he?!”_

Jensen immediately stood from his seat and before he knew it he saw Megan barreling through the house like a freight train.  Once she spotted him, she zeroed in on her target, coming at him with more fury in her eyes than he thought she was capable of.

“ _You!"_  she hissed, before reeling her arm back and landing a solid punch to his nose.

Jensen was so caught off guard by the whole situation, he had no time to defend himself.  He brought his hands up to cover his nose, as he felt a few droplets of blood leak out.

He was dazed enough that he didn’t hear the resulting chaos, Jeff coming in to hold her back and calm her down, various adults trying to keep the children calm, confused family members shouting questions.

He did, however, hear Megan’s next words.

“Where the hell have you _been_?  We’ve been calling for fucking _weeks_!”

That caught Jensen off guard.  He returned to his full height and looked directly at the woman he had long considered his other little sister.

“What?  What do you mean you’ve been calling for weeks?  What’s wrong?”  Fear gripped his heart.  He imagined Jared or one of the kids, hurt or- no.  He wouldn’t think about that.  That just wasn’t a possibility.

“You would know if you _once_ looked at your fucking phone!” she yelled back.

“Our mom made us all hand over our phones when we got here,” Mackenzie answered quietly, sounding a bit ashamed herself.

That seemed to calm Megan enough that Jensen saw her physically deflate, Jeff finding it safe to let her go, though her face still held anger and…was that heartbreak?

“Of course she did,” she couldn’t help but scoff.  Her eyes darted across the room to a shocked Donna before coming back to Jensen.  Not only had they called and texted him so many times they lost count, but they had reached out to Mackenzie and Josh too.  She had personally been the one to try to contact Mackenzie since the two of them were so close.  At least now she knew why no one had answered.

“Meggie…” Jensen asked softly, fear in his heart, “what happened?”

She closed her eyes and Jensen saw tears beginning to gather.  His anxiety level was off the charts.  He needed to know what happened and he needed to know-

“Jared has cancer.”

-now.

He couldn’t have heard right.  That wasn’t…no.  There was no way he’d heard right.

“What?”  That didn’t sound like his voice.  Where was his voice?  He glanced over and saw Mackenzie with a hand covering her mouth, tears in her eyes.  Why was she crying?  She couldn’t have misheard the same thing he had.

“He has cancer.  A brain tumor.”

It was as if all of Jensen’s senses came back to him in a rush.  This was real.  Megan was standing in front of him telling him the love of his life had brain cancer and it was real.

“WHAT?” he screamed.  His breath started coming faster.

Megan began to tell the story.

_Jared trudged through the door of his parents’ house, mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted._

_Megan came over to him as the kids ran past her.  She eyed Jared suspiciously.  He had called his parents to let them know he and the kids would be coming for Christmas after all, but he gave no further explanation._

_“What the hell did he do?”_

_Jared sighed in exasperation.  This was not what he needed right now.  A bad headache was beginning to bubble up._

_“Meggie…not now.”_

_“What do you mean not now?”  Her voice steadily continued to rise.  “You had been planning on spending Christmas through New Years with Jensen’s family…now you and the kids show up out of the blue the day before Christmas Eve, with no Jensen.  Now, I can only guess what happened and my suspicions aren’t good, so what the hell did that son of a bitch do?!”_

_By now she was screaming and Jared just hoped no one else would come interrogate him.  Just as he was about to speak, the pain in his head spiked so high he saw white behind his eyes and his legs gave out.  He was able to catch himself on a nearby wall with one hand as the other went to his head and he let out an uncontained groan._

_Megan’s eyes widened and she rushed to his side, yelling for help._

_“Jeff!  Jeff, help!”_

_Within seconds, their brother was there, asking what was happening.  Megan gave him the short version before Jeff turned to his brother and slowly guided him to the floor with Megan’s help._

_“What’s going on, little brother?  Talk to me.”_

_“Head.  Hurts.”  Jared was barely able to get the words out through gritted teeth, his eyes squeezed shut._

_Jeff turned to Megan.  “Call 911.  Now.”_

_“No.”  Jared struggled to sit up straighter, hand blindly reaching out.  “No.  That’ll terrify the kids.  I’ll…I’ll go to the hospital.  But I’m not taking an ambulance.”_

_Rather than argue, Jeff quickly nodded and hefted his brother into his arms as if he weighed little more than a child._

_As he was grabbing his keys, the rest of the family was filing into the small entryway, all asking questions at once.  Megan tried to keep it short, telling everyone that Jeff was taking Jared to the hospital because he was having an excruciating pain in his head when a high voice was able yell above all the others._

_“Daddy!”_

_Jared used all his strength to turn his head and open his eyes enough to see his little girl looking at him with frantic, desperate eyes.  The sight broke his heart and he did his best to calm her._

_“It’s okay, JJ.  Uncle Jeff’s just going to bring Daddy to the doctor to make sure that I'm alright, okay?  Don’t worry, baby.  It’ll be okay.”_

_With that, Megan opened the front door and Jeff raced to his car, carefully placing his brother in the passenger seat and speeding to the hospital._

Megan gave a brief synopsis of everything that had happened since that hospital visit.  The diagnosis, the surgery to remove the tumor, the radiation, and now the chemo that Jared had just recently started.  She told them about how she and her family had basically been living at the hospital for the last two weeks.  How Jared was still trying to be positive for everyone but anyone with eyes could tell he was in agony.  She told them about how Jared had insisted on shaving his head, rather than watch his hair fall out due to the chemo, how he had turned it into an event of sorts.  They all had taken turns shaving off a strip of hair, Jared having the first go and even the kids each taking a turn.

She glared at Jensen as she told him that he was the only one who was missing.  Even Genevieve and Danneel had both made the trip and took part in the ‘ceremony’.

“We called you every day.  Texted you every single day.  Finally, it was Jared who told us all to stop.  That if you didn’t want to be bothered, we couldn’t force you.  God.”  Her voice broke.  "And you know what the worst part is, Jensen?  The fact that the doctors told us that if Jared had seen someone when he first started having such bad and frequent headaches, his prognosis would have been better.  And why didn’t he see someone, Jensen?  Why?  Because _someone_ would tease him for not being able to handle a headache or downright accuse him of using them as an excuse to get out of an argument!”

By the time she was done, Megan was panting.  That was two weeks’ worth of frustration and anguish and heartbreak tumbling out.

She looked around and saw every member of Jensen’s family in shock, most of them frozen to the spot.  She then watched as everything sunk in for Jensen.  Soon, he was hyperventilating, tears coming to his eyes and quickly flowing down his face, though he seemed completely unaware of their presence.

The next thing anyone knew, Jensen was on his knees, puking up everything in his system as hard, guttural sobs fought for release against his shortened breaths.

As pissed as she was at Jensen, he was still her brother as far as Megan was concerned.  She got to her knees, avoiding the vomit on the carpet, and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Jensen?”

“I’m so sorry!”  he sobbed out.  “I’m so sorry!  I didn’t know, Meggie.  I didn’t know.  I-I didn’t mean it about his headaches.  I was worried, but he seemed to have most of them whenever we were arguing and I just…I was being an asshole.  A selfish asshole.  He can’t- I can’t lose him.  He’s the love of my life, Meggie.  He’s the best thing that ever happened to me and-“  It was hard for him to get out everything he wanted to say around his choking sobs.

“I know I don’t deserve him.  I know that.  But I…I can’t lose him.  I can’t.”  He shook his head, unable to even comprehend a world without Jared in it.

Megan had never seen Jensen in so much pain.  As much as she felt he deserved it and it at least gave her that validation that he did care after all, she couldn’t take seeing her brother in such a state.

“Jensen.  Listen to me.  What Jared needs is for you to be there for him now.  Can you do that?  Will you actually be there?  And acknowledge your relationship, rather than hiding it away?”

Jensen nodded so vigorously it looked like a little kid promising his mother he’d be good.

“Alright,” Megan said as she wiped his face.  “Why don’t you grab your stuff and we’ll head out, okay?”

He nodded again and went to stand up when he heard the voice of his grandmother behind him.

“Jared?  That tall young man with the beautiful hair?  The poor thing.  I always loved him.  Sweet as an angel, that one.”

Jensen turned to her, not a shred of fear left in him.  “Yes, Grandma.  He’s my husband.”

Her eyes seemed to only hold confusion.  “Then why hasn’t he been here?”

He told her about how his mother didn’t believe she would approve of their relationship and had therefore asked that Jared not come.

Jensen was completely caught off guard as he watched his grandmother turn and glare at his mother, fire in her eyes.

“Donna!  How could you?!  You know how important I believe love and family are.  You should be ashamed of yourself, using me as your reasoning to separate these two boys.”  She turned back to Jensen.  “I’m so very sorry, sweetie.  If I had known, I of course would have said something.  You give that beautiful husband of yours all my love, okay?  I’ll be praying for him.”

Jensen couldn’t help it as more tears came to his eyes and he let out another sob.  He bent down and gave her a tight hug.  “Thanks, Grandma.  That means so much.  You have no idea.”

As they pulled away from one another, the older woman gasped, her eyes going wide.

“Wait…does that mean those two beautiful boys are my great grandbabies?”

Jensen laughed around a sob.  “Yeah, Grandma.  They are.  They’re my boys.”

He watched as tears came to her eyes as she gazed at him before shaking her head and quickly wiping her eyes.

“I have so many clothes to make.  What are their sizes?”

Jensen could hear someone, either Mackenzie or Megan, let out a sob behind him and he smiled around his tears as he told his grandmother the boys’ sizes and what they liked.

“I expect to hear all about your family, Jensen.  You understand me?”

He nodded.  “Yes, ma’am.  You have my word.”  With that, he raced up the stairs to gather up his things.  As he was throwing clothes into bags, he heard footsteps pelting up the stairs, followed by drawers opening and closing and zippers fastening.  He left his room to investigate.

He found his sister, his brother, and his sister-in-law quickly filling and closing suitcases of their own.

“What are you guys doing?” he couldn’t help but ask.

Mackenzie looked at him like he was an idiot.

“We’re going with you.”  The unspoken ‘duh’ was definitely implied.

He shook his head as if to clear it.  “What?”

It was Josh who continued.

“Jensen.  Jared is our family too.  We love him.  And we want to be there for you, for him, and for your kids.”  He and Mackenzie looked at each other.  “I don’t think either of us would be able to rest or enjoy the rest of the holidays without seeing Jared for ourselves and doing what we can to help.”  Mackenzie nodded in agreement.

He knew he shouldn’t have been, but Jensen was astounded by his siblings.

“Thank you.  I…”  He couldn’t quite find the right words.

“No time for that,” Mackenzie interrupted.  “Time to go.”

Jensen nodded.  He went back to his old room, zipped up his last bag, and led his siblings down the stairs.

They could all hear the various voices calling things out, but they all chose to ignore them, instead grabbing their phones from the kitchen and heading for the door.

As everyone was about to leave, Alan called out.

“Jensen.”

Jensen quickly turned in the direction of his father’s voice and was soon pulled into a tight hug.

“Tell Jared I’m thinking of him, okay?  And that I believe in him.”

Trying to keep the tears from resurfacing, Jensen nodded.  He was almost out the door when he heard his mother calling out for him.

With an exasperated huff, Jensen turned, irritation clear in his eyes, and saw his mother’s beseeching face.

After a moment, she spoke.

“Tell him I’m sorry.”

Without a word, Jensen headed out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry....


	4. 1 Video, 2 Announcements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being so patient with me, guys. This chapter was really hard to write, so I hope it's okay. Since I had so much trouble writing it, I decided to end it where I did and pick up in the next chapter. Enjoy.

Josh and his wife got their kids piled into their car as Jensen and Mackenzie hopped into Jeff’s. 

As they pulled away from the house, Mackenzie called out, “So are we driving or flying?”

It seemed no one had thought that far ahead.

Megan quickly pulled out her phone.  “Well, if we hurry, there’s a flight in an hour that we can catch.”

Mackenzie quickly called Josh.  “Hey, are you guys okay with flying there?  We can be on a plane in an hour.  And the flight’s only an hour too.”

Josh thought about it for a minute.  “Yeah, let’s do it.  It’ll be a bit chaotic, but I know these kids will do better on a plane for an hour than in a car for four and a half.”

“Alright, cool.”  She hung up the phone.  “Let’s head to the airport.”

Jeff reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, handing it to either of the two girls in the backseat.  “Here.  Use my account.  Book it.”

Jensen looked at him in shock.  “Jeff.  I can pay for it.  It’s no problem.  It’s the least I can do for you guys, driving all this way, not to mention knocking some serious sense into me.”

The other man gave him a serious look that Jensen couldn’t quite interpret before answering quietly.

“Jensen.  I got it…. Let me do this.”

Not quite understanding what was going on but knowing better than to push the much larger man at the moment, Jensen merely nodded.

“Okay.  Go,” Jeff called out.  Megan quickly booked their tickets, handing her brother his phone back as they got close to the terminal.

The half hour drive took them all of 18 minutes.

* * *

The whole airport process as well as the flight went surprisingly seamlessly, with no complications, and before long, they were touching down in San Antonio.

Jensen was anxious beyond belief.  What could he possibly say to make up for what he’d missed?  He was still stewing in his thoughts as they headed to the hospital in their rental cars, same seating arrangements as before, when suddenly Megan gasped.

“Oh my god,” she let out on a breath.  “He posted it.”

Jensen looked back at her in confusion and a bit agitation.  “Who posted what?”

“Jared,” she answered quietly.  “He wanted to make a video for the fans before we shaved his head.  Telling them about the cancer and…” she paused here.  “…coming out.”

Jensen’s eyes widened, but before he could say anything, Megan cut him off.

“He didn’t say anything to out _you_ , Jensen.  Come on.”

Jensen quickly shook his head, his eyes pleading with her to understand.  “No!  That’s not what I meant.  I-I’m just surprised.”  He couldn’t help but feel a sense of disappointment in his gut that Jared _hadn’t_ outed him too.

Megan’s eyes softened.  “Do you wanna see it?”  Jensen quickly nodded and took the phone from her.

“Hey, connect it to the car’s Bluetooth,” Mackenzie suddenly called out.  “I want to hear it too.”

After a few moments, everything was set up and Jensen took one last deep breath before hitting play.

They all heard scratching and Jensen watched as the screen was fumbled around before landing on Veronique’s face.  “How on Earth do you-“ Jensen smiled.  He knew how inept she was with technology.

Off-camera, Jared laughed, causing Jensen’s heart to drop.  God, he had missed that laugh.  “You got it flipped around, sweetheart.  Hit that little thing in the corner again.”

Soon, the camera was flipped and Jensen let out a sob, quickly covering his mouth, at seeing his husband’s beautiful face again.

“There we go.”  He heard Veronique’s voice again.  “You got it?”  “I got it.”  “Okay.”  Jared took a deep breath and began.

_“Hey, guys.  Sorry about the brief technical difficulty there.  That was my sister-in-law, Veronique, and she’s…still learning when it comes to technology.”_

_The two exchanged childish faces before Jared continued._

_“Anyway, she’s going to be filming this video for me.  I guess I should start with Happy Holidays, everyone!  I know I’m a bit late.  Sorry about that.  But as you can see, the reason I’m behind is because I’m in the hospital._

_This all started a few months ago, when I started getting these really bad headaches.  They were horrible, but over time, I kind of got used to ‘em?  If that makes sense?  Then everything really hit the fan the day before Christmas Eve.  I had just gotten to my parents’ house in San Antonio when I got a headache so bad I saw white and my knees literally gave out.  My sister called for my brother, who’s a doctor, as many of you know, and he drove me to the hospital.  After hours and tests, they told me that I have a brain tumor.  I won’t go into all the details, but the tumor is partially benign and partially malignant.  Needless to say, I was terrified.  I’m still terrified.  But as I’m always telling you guys, I’m gonna keep fighting.  I have my surgery scheduled for tomorrow.  Then I’ll eventually be starting radiation and chemo.  So, this is probably the last time you’ll see me with this hair for a good while.”  He yanked at his hair.  “I’m going to miss it, I’m telling you.”  He gave a warm smile before continuing._

_“Anyway, I wanted to tell you guys because I wanted to be open and honest about what’s going on.”  He took another breath.  “Which brings me to the other thing I wanted to talk to you guys about._

_I’m gay.  I know that may come as a shock to a lot of you, but it’s true.  I’m gay.  I’ve been gay since-“ he chuckled to himself.  “Well, I’ve been gay since I was born, but I’ve known I was gay since I was maybe 11 or 12.  It’s something I’ve never been ashamed of, and luckily I’ve had a very supportive family my whole life, but it is something I quickly learned to keep secret once I started acting.  Being somewhat in the closet was fine, I guess, but things really started getting weird when I started Supernatural.  The network would get very angry if I did or said anything that would make people suspect that I was gay, which eventually led them to demand that I start bearding.  Now, for those who don’t know, bearding is when someone who’s gay gets someone of the opposite sex to pretend to be their significant other so that people will believe they’re straight._

_My first beard was Sandy, who I know a lot of you guys remember from the show’s early days.  Anyway, it got to be too much for her, and to her credit, she said she couldn’t stand to watch me be miserable.  That the money she was being paid to be my beard wasn’t worth it, so we “broke up.”  Jared made sure to include air quotes.  "But we're still friends to this day._

_Then they brought Genevieve onto the show, and after we got to know each other, she agreed to be my new beard, and though we have had our share of disagreements and arguments over the years, I thank God for her.  She’s helped me through some of my darkest times when my real family wasn’t available, and through artificial insemination, she’s given me beautiful children.  And she’s been an amazing mother, going above and beyond whenever I haven’t been available.  And all the crew members and other members of the cast have been beyond supportive too.  Jensen, Misha, Mark, Rob, Rich, Osric…they’ve all been amazing and I’m so grateful for every one of them._

_So, that’s the gist of what I wanted to tell you guys.  The connection between the campaigns I’ve done and the LGBTQ community wasn’t just out of nowhere.  I had a personal connection and saw the campaigns as a way to do my part for the community while still having to remain in the closet.  And to those fans who I’ve met who have told me they were LGBTQ, you have no idea how much I wanted to yell out ‘me too!’ and hug you forever for being so much braver than me.  I hope I haven’t upset anyone by keeping this a secret for so long.  I love y’all so much.  I’ll see you soon.”  With that, he kissed his fingers and held them up before the video ended._

By the time the video ended, everyone in the car was crying; even Jeff was wiping his eyes.

Jensen didn’t even know what to say, what to think.  His man was absolutely amazing and he was again in awe of Jared’s courage and his honesty.  It broke his heart that Jared didn’t feel comfortable addressing their relationship in the video, that he was just a “supportive friend,” especially when it was Jensen who had been so insistent that they remain in the closet.  That was the opposite of “supportive” as far as Jensen was concerned.

He was brought out of his thoughts when Mackenzie shook his shoulder.

“Jen.  Come on.  Let’s go see him.”

He nodded before quickly exiting the car.  He had a lot to make up for.


	5. His Other Parents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry this took so long, everyone!! I actually wrote half of it months ago and just never had time to finish it with my new job basically taking over. Ugh! But I'm hoping to get the next chapter up soon. This chapter was actually was supposed to have two more parts, but I decided to end it here and save the other two segments for the next chapter. I hope this lives up to the long wait. Thank you all for sticking with me!

Everyone rushed into the hospital, hustling towards the elevators, when Megan called out, “Oh look.  There’s Daddy.”

They all made their way over to the food court, where Gerry was nursing a cup of coffee.

Jensen had always known him as big, loud, and jovial.  He reminded Jensen of Jared a lot in that regard, though his husband definitely looked more like Sherri.  So needless to say, it made Jensen uneasy to see the person he considered a second father hunched in on himself, looking exhausted.

“Hey, Daddy,” Megan called quietly, as if not wanting to spook a wild animal.

Gerry lifted his head and offered a small smile, greeting everyone there individually, making sure to put on a happy face for Josh’s kids, hugging each of them to his chest before tickling their bellies.

Jensen hung back so he was the last Gerry would greet.  He had no idea how he would be received and he wanted to make sure everyone else went before whatever it was was coming.

They made eye contact and Jensen saw a bit of surprise in the older man’s eyes.  That hurt like hell.

“Hi Daddy,” he said quietly, making a concerted effort to keep his eyes off the floor.

Ever since maybe a couple months after they first got together, Sherri and Gerry were ‘Mama’ and ‘Daddy’ to both Jared and Jensen.  Jensen had never felt so fully welcomed and included so quickly before in his life.  He knew that this family cared about him and loved him, and not just because he was Jared’s partner.

“Jensen,” Gerry answered back quietly.

Megan quickly cut in.  “Where’s everybody else?”

“Veronique took the kids to a park nearby.  Your mom’s upstairs with Jared now.  He’s not feeling too good.”  He gave Jensen a look.  “Hey, why don’t you take these guys outside and let them stretch their legs for a bit.  Jensen and I need to have a talk.”

Jensen knew this was coming, he knew it needed to happen, but the words still struck fear in him.

As everyone headed back outside, Gerry motioned towards the seat opposite him.

“Why don’t you have a seat?”

Jensen mutely nodded and sat down.

“So,” Gerry began.  “I see they were able to hunt you down.  Did they have to drag you kicking and screaming?”

Jensen shook his head frantically, tears once again coming to his eyes.

“Daddy, no!  You have to believe me when I say I didn’t know!  I didn’t know about any of this.”  Jensen waved vaguely around him to the hospital as a whole.  “My mom said she thought it would be a good “quality time” idea if we didn’t have our cell phones on us so we would have to do things together.  She locked up all our phones and none of us got any of your calls or messages!  Believe me, if I had, I would have been here on day one.”

Gerry offered a small smile in that fatherly way he was so good at.

“I knew it had to be something like that.  At least… I hoped.  I’d hate to think that after 13 years none of us knew you as well as we thought we did.”

Jensen shook his head again and the tears that had pooled in his eyes finally found their release as he let out a sob.

“Daddy, I’m so sorry.  I’m sorry I let you all down.  I’ll never be able to make it up to Jared for not being here, for missing so much when he needed me the most, but I’m going to try my damnedest.  I’m not giving up and I’m not leaving.”  He made sure to look Gerry directly in the eyes.  “I’m not leaving Jared.  Ever.”

Gerry came around and pulled the younger man into a hug, which just caused Jensen to sob harder, burying his head in his father-in-law’s shoulder.  When they finally pulled away, Jensen wiped his eyes and continued on.

“So how is he doing, Daddy?  Really.”

Gerry gave him as much information as he could.  Told him about Jared’s good days and bad days.  He told him there were times where Jared felt so low they were all scared he would do something drastic, but he would always pull through it.

The mere thought of Jared even contemplating that again absolutely terrified Jensen.  He knew that if Jared had given up while they were apart, if he had decided to end it, Jensen would never be able to forgive himself.  He’d also say goodbye to the kids and follow his soulmate right behind.

He looked up at his father-in-law and saw the wear this whole ordeal was taking on him.

“And how are you doing, Daddy?”

Gerry looked surprised.  “I’m fine,” he answered in confusion.  “Why are you asking _me_ that?”

“Daddy, really.  I can tell this is killing you.  Hell, if I was in your shoes and it was one of my kids, I’d be a wreck.  Now talk to me.  It’ll help to get it out.”

Gerry just shook his head, looking down at the table before looking back up to meet the younger man’s eyes.

“He’s my son.  He’s my baby boy and I…I’m supposed to protect him from the world.  I’m supposed to be able to make the bad things go away.  But there’s nothing I can do for this.  I just have to watch my boy go through this unimaginable pain day after day and know that there’s nothing I can do to stop it.  I can’t-no one should have to bury their babies,” he sobbed.

This time it was Jensen who pulled Gerry to him, shaking his head frantically as tears gushed down his face.

“That’s not going to happen.  It’s not.  It can’t.  Jared’s the strongest person I’ve ever met in my life.  He’s gonna pull through this.”  He thought for a second.  “I refuse to accept anything else.  Besides, the universe would be beyond cruel to break so many hearts simultaneously.”

Gerry let out his own chuckle/sob before the two men pulled away, both wiping their soaked faces.

“Well ain’t we a pair?”

Jensen gave him a faint smile.

Eventually, Gerry nodded towards the elevators.  “Why don’t you head on up to see him.  It’s long overdue, don’t you think?”

Jensen nodded meekly before making his way to the elevators.

Here we go. 

* * *

As Jensen made his way up in the elevator, he took some deep breaths in a futile attempt to calm himself. As the ding sounded, alerting Jensen that he had reached his destination, he fought the urge to run.  He wanted more than anything to see Jared, but he was terrified. How could he possibly begin to make up for everything?  Not even just these last two weeks, but his years of cowardice before.

His feet moved as if they had a mind of their own and before he knew it, he was only a couple doors away from Jared’s.  He slowly began making the last few steps, coming to a halt as he heard the sounds of violent retching.  He hurried to the room, but stood outside of the open door as he heard the familiar voices inside.

“It’s okay.  It’s okay.  Let it out,” Sherri’s gentle voice soothed.

“I’m sorry, Mama.  I’m so sorry,” Jensen heard Jared sob out around the heaves and sobs he could clearly hear in his voice.

Sherri continued to shush her son until the violent sounds subsided.  Just as Jensen felt brave enough to enter the room, he heard his husband speak again.

“I’m so sorry, Mama.  I’m sorry.  You shouldn’t have to deal with this.  It’s not your job.”

“I’ve told you before,” Sherri began, “I will not hear any more of that.  You are my son.  When I brought you into this world, it became my job to care for you and be there when you needed me.  No matter how old you get.”

Jared opened his mouth to speak again, but his mother quickly continued.

“And besides, just because one member of your family failed to live up to their duty, doesn’t mean you should expect the rest of us to.”

“Mama,” Jared let out around an exasperated sigh.  “I told you to let it go.  I can’t force Jensen to do anything he doesn’t want to do.”

“I know, baby, and I’m sorry, but when he recited those vows, he made a promise to you, regardless of what his parents think.  That promise is what he should live by, not fear and cowardice.”

Jensen felt like dirt.  No.  He felt lower than dirt.  He knew everything Sherri was saying was true, whether he had known about Jared’s diagnosis or not.

“I know, Mama,” Jared began again.  “But can we just drop it for now?  I’ll deal with all that later.”

Sherri nodded, placing a kiss on her son’s sweaty forehead.  “Of course, sweetheart.  Let me just get the nurse to get you a new bedpan and I’ll be right back.”

Jensen quickly stepped back, not wanting to be right there when Sherri exited the room.  He watched her speak quietly to the nurse briefly before turning in his direction.  She stopped short, her jaw dropping slightly and her eyes widening.

She quickly made her way over to him, looking up into his eyes, causing him to feel completely exposed.  He could see there was so much she wanted to say, so much she wanted to do.  He could tell she was restraining herself from slapping him across the face like Mackenzie had done, but instead, she just murmured, “Let’s take a walk.” 

* * *

The two walked silently until they came upon the family waiting room.  Thankfully, there was no one else inside.  Jensen followed Sherri’s lead, the two of them taking a seat at a round table.

Jensen was shaking in his boots.  He didn’t even know where to begin.  He had thought Gerry would have been the scariest member of the Padalecki clan to face, but he had been wrong.  Sherri was the sweetest woman he had ever met, and she was the first one to welcome him into the family completely.  She was the mother he had always wished he had, and the thought that he had disappointed, even failed her, was too much to bear.

“I have to say I’m surprised to see you here,” Sherri finally began.  “And I can’t tell you how disappointed that surprise makes me.”

Jensen felt the tears rising to the surface again.  What was lower than lower than dirt?

“When you didn’t show, and didn’t answer any of our calls or messages, I thought, ‘This can’t be right.  This isn’t Jensen.  Something must be wrong.'  But, as the days went by and you didn’t answer, I began to lose hope.  It became harder and harder to convince Jared that you were coming, that you cared.  I never thought I’d have to convince my baby that his husband _cared_ about him.”

“I’m so sorry,” Jensen got out on a whisper.  “I didn’t know.”  He informed Sherri about everything that had happened with his mother and the family’s phones, how he had finally tried using his parents’ house phone but got no answer, and his regret over how he had treated Jared’s headaches.

She gave him a lecture similar to the one he had received from Mackenzie regarding his mother’s control before tears came to her eyes and her face somehow simultaneously morphed from disappointed to angry.

“And I don’t think you realize, Jensen, how close we came to losing Jared, and I’m not just talking about the cancer.  There have been days where he’s outright told me he just wanted to end it all.  I thought I’d never have to hear that again from my son.  I never thought he’d reach such a low, that he’d feel so alone, that he’d consider ending his own life.  This cancer isn’t the only thing that’s stolen his strength.  You stripped him of it, Jensen.  You broke him.”

_You broke him._

Jensen couldn’t breathe.  If Jared had- If _he_ hadn’t-

He quickly got up and emptied the measly remains of his stomach into the nearest garbage can.  He was surprised when, only a moment or two later, he felt the gentle hand of his Mama rubbing circles on his back.  Once he felt he was done, he turned around to face her.

“I’ll never forgive myself,” he stated.  “No matter what happens, no matter how long I live, I’ll never forgive myself for failing him like I have.  I heard you from outside his room earlier.  I haven’t kept my vows to him, even before this, but if it takes the rest of my life, I’m going to make things up to him.  I’m going to fix this.  I have to.”

For the first time since he saw her outside his husband’s room, Jensen saw Sherri smile.  It wasn’t her usual big glowing smile, but it was genuine, and that’s what mattered.

“I hope you do, baby.  I hope you do.”

“I’ll always be sorry, Mama,” he whispered, “but please don’t hate me.”  He couldn’t bear that.

Sherri actually looked surprised.

“Of course I don’t hate you, baby.  I’m disappointed, but I could never hate you.  You’re still my son.  I love you.  And that’s partly why I want you to FIX this.”

Jensen pulled himself together, nodding and wiping his face.

“Now get your ass in there.  I’m getting lunch.”

And without another word, Sherri Padalecki turned her back and walked away.

Jensen knew he had a job to do.


	6. His Little Soldier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, guys! I hope it's worth the wait.

When Jensen entered the room, his eyes were immediately drawn to the figure in the bed.  Jared was fast asleep and Jensen took the moment to take in his husband’s form.

He brought his hand to his mouth to keep him from letting out the cry he could tell was begging to come out.  Jared had lost weight, he was completely bald, and for the first time in the 13 years Jensen had known him, his gargantuan, strong man looked frail.

And yet, he still looked unbelievably beautiful.  He was still here, alive and breathing, and that was beautiful.  He still somehow managed to have that glow about him that just radiated goodness and purity and love and, at least for Jensen, home and safety.

Jensen slowly made his way over and sat in the abandoned chair.  He took his husband’s hand in his and used the other to gently brush over the now hairless head.  He couldn’t help the sob he let out this time.

He had missed so much.  God, what was he thinking?

He didn’t have much time to wallow in his thoughts.  He heard Jared let out a small noise and watched him adjust a bit in his sleep before he heard that sleep-laden voice he was so used to.

“Mama?”

“No, Jay, it’s me,” he answered quietly.  “It’s Jen.”

That caused Jared’s eyes to open quickly.  He looked up at Jensen in confusion.  “Jensen?  What are you doing here?”

More tears fell from Jensen’s eyes.  Not only did it hurt like hell to be asked that question, but Jared almost never used his full first name.  It was always either Jen or one of a million other nicknames and pet names he loved to use.

“What do you think I’m doing here?  You’re here and you’re sick.  Where else do you think I’d be?”

He watched Jared struggle to sit up and immediately went to help, only to be stopped by Jared’s hand on his chest, holding him back.

Once Jared was situated, he looked at Jensen with eyes filled with both anger and hurt.

“Where else do I think you’d be?  Probably the same place you’ve been the last two weeks, ignoring all my calls and messages.”

Jensen quickly explained what had happened with his mother and the cell phones, but to his horror, that only seemed to make Jared angrier.  He let out a laugh that held anything but mirth.

“I swear,” Jared began.  “I know that woman hates me, but I never thought…God.”

Jensen cut in, “She doesn’t hate you, Jay.  She just…” He didn’t know how to finish that sentence.  His mother had treated Jared like a second-class citizen for so many years, but the thought of anyone, especially someone in Jensen’s own family, _hating_ Jared just seemed impossible.  He supposed even now, his brain was still trying to rationalize his mother’s behavior.

Jared shook his head.  “If you can’t even see it now, Jensen, then I don’t know what to tell you.  I don’t think there’s any hope.”

Those words struck fear in Jensen’s heart.  He wasn’t sure what his husband meant, but he knew it wasn’t good.

“No.  Jay.  I do see it, believe me.  These past two weeks, I’ve wanted to kill her.  Maybe not literally, but I wanted to make her feel the same kind of pain she’s caused us.  And when Megan and Jeff told us about your cancer, I…I was so disgusted with her I couldn’t even look at her.  I had to restrain myself from physically throttling her.”

A small, sad smile came to Jared’s face.  “I appreciate the thought, Jensen, but I think it’s a bit too little too late.  I’ve had a lot of time to do some thinking over the last couple weeks and I just can’t do it anymore.  I can’t hold my breath and wait for the next time I become an inconvenience for you and have to hide in the background.  I’m 35 years old.  I’m too old for that.  I think it’s just best if we cut each other loose.”

It took a good few seconds for Jensen to realize that he wasn’t breathing.

“What?” he let out on a croak.  His voice had suddenly disappeared.

“We’ll work out whatever legal stuff we have to with the kids and the houses, but I think it would be best if we go our separate ways.  I love you so much, Jensen, more than anything or anyone on this planet, but I don’t deserve this.  And you deserve to be happy.  To be someone who doesn’t have to hide.”

“What-No!” It had taken Jensen’s brain and mouth a while to catch up.  Jared was leaving him.  Jared wanted the equivalent of a divorce.  Now he was in full-blown panic mode.

“Jared.  Baby, please.  I know I fucked up.  I know I’ve been fucking up for years.  I haven’t honored those vows I said to you, but I meant them.  And if it takes the rest of my life, I’ll make it up to you.  I swear.  Please don’t leave me.  I can’t do this without you.  I can’t function.  I can’t survive.  I won’t.”

Jared let out a sigh that was pure exhaustion.

“Jen, I’m just…I’m so tired.  All the lying, all the hiding, I’m exhausted.  And if one good thing has come out of this cancer, it’s that it’s put things in perspective.  I don’t know if I can beat this cancer, and if I can’t, I don’t want to spend what time I have left like I have been.  And I can’t spend it waiting around for you to be where I want you to be, to be ready.”

“But, Jay!  I am-“ He was cut off by the sounds of childish voices.  He turned to see Veronique entering the room with his children in tow.  Upon seeing him, all three children looked surprised, which, again, hurt like hell, before JJ and Shep ran over and threw their arms around him.

He held them close, breathing in the scents of his babies.  He hadn’t realized just how much he had missed them.  He looked up to see that Thomas was still on the other side of the room, a scowl set firmly on his face.

“Thomas, hey, buddy.  You wanna come give me a hug?”

“No,” Tom growled fiercely.  “I _hate_ you.”

To say Jensen was shocked would be an understatement.  He and Jared both loved all three of their children equally, but it was no secret that every member of their 5-person family had their “favorite” so to speak.

JJ was a daddy’s girl through and through.  Ever since she was a baby, she adored Jared.  Jensen still remembers those early months of her life when the girls would keep the kids some nights.  They would inevitably get a call from either Dani or Gen saying that JJ refused to sleep.  No matter what either girl or Jensen tried, she would continue on wailing.  Jared would say two words to her and she would instantly quiet.  He’d either sing or talk to her and within minutes she’d be out like a light.

The same was still true now that she was a few years older.  If she wanted a story before bed, Jared had to be the one to tell it because “only Daddy does it right.”  Gen and Danneel now called for nightly stories whenever they kept the kids overnight.  Whether she was scared or excited by something, Jared was always the first one she ran to.  They were attached at the hip.  She was his “Jay-bird,” as Jared liked to call her.

Sheppy, they could tell, was their special boy.  There was nothing wrong with him; he was just much more reserved and quiet than his siblings.  He seemed to favor both of his parents equally.  If he was scared or needed help, he usually went to Jensen.  When he was excited or wanted to play, it was usually Jared.

And then there was Tom.

Tom was Jensen’s boy.  His “little man.”

Jensen didn’t know if it was that he was their first born, or if that when he was younger he looked just like Jared, but he was enraptured with his little boy from the start, and Tom was equally fond of his Dad.  Jensen was the only one he would allow to call him Thomas, rather than Tom.  Wherever Jensen went, Tom would follow.  Whatever Jensen did, Tom wanted to do too.

Even now, after somehow transitioning from looking like a mini version of Jared to a mini male version of Gen, Jensen’s fondness never wavered.  He had taught Tom early on how important their family was.  That he and Jared always protected each other and the kids, and that as the oldest, it was Tom’s responsibility to look out for his brother and sister.

He was Jensen’s little soldier.  His precious, kindhearted little soldier.

Which was why he was shocked to see such anger and hate thrown his way from his oldest son.

“Thomas Colton!” Jared interjected fiercely, before he was interrupted.

“It’s true, Daddy!  He made you cry!”

“What?” Jared asked quietly.  No matter what internal battles he had been having regarding his and Jensen’s relationship, he had made sure to not say anything bad about him in front of the kids.  He also made sure to never break down in front of them.  He knew he had to be strong.

“When we were on our way to Grandma and Grandpa’s.  You pulled over and started crying.  You asked why Donna hates you and why Dad cares more about her than he does about you.”

Jared looked shocked.  “But…”

“You thought we were all asleep, but I wasn’t.  I just kept my eyes closed.”

Jared closed his eyes, sighing in defeat.  He had failed in shielding his children from his pain.

Tom brought his eyes back to Jensen.  “Why, Dad?  Why did you make Daddy cry?  Why do you care about someone more than him?”

Jensen was flabbergasted.  He had no idea any of that had happened.  And now his son was looking at him differently.  Seeing him for the villain he was.

“Thomas, I-“

“Don’t call me that!” Tom yelled.

Jensen tried again to gather his words.  “Tom, I’m so sorry.  I love you guys and your daddy more than anything.  I messed up.  I cared more about what other people thought than what I was doing to my family.  I love your daddy so much.  I love all of you more than anything.”

Tom continued to scowl before letting out his final words.

“I don’t believe you.”

With that, he went over to the bed and crawled up, curling against Jared’s side.  Jensen watched, his heart breaking.  Before long, he had to watch JJ look at him with sad eyes before following her brother, Shep copying his sister.

All three kids cuddled into Jared and he put his arms around them, pulling them in close.  Jensen was surprised to see Jared offer him an apologetic look with his eyes.

He felt someone pulling on his arm and looked down to see Veronique.

“Come on, Jen.  Let’s give the kids some time with him.”

Jensen wanted to fight against her.  He had so much to say.  To Jared.  To his children.  He looked at Jared one more time and was crushed to see tears in the other man’s eyes.

“We’ll talk later,” Jared offered quietly.

And with that, Jensen was pulled out of the room.

* * *

Jensen waited until Veronique had brought him to the family waiting room before completely breaking down.  He was losing everything.  The love of his life wanted to leave him.  He’d made his children feel like he’d abandoned them.  His oldest felt the need to protect his husband from him.  That’s how much he had damaged his family.

His precious, beautiful family.

He continued to release violent, choking sobs.  Veronique held him through all of it, shushing him quietly and petting his hair.

“It’ll be okay, Jensen.  It’ll be okay.”

How could she say that?  His life was over.  How could anything possibly be okay?

Jensen didn’t know how long he had been crying, but eventually he felt Veronique get up, only to be replaced with a much firmer shoulder.  He looked up and was shocked to see Jeff.  He quickly sat up, waiting for the punch or the verbal lashing he knew had to be coming.

Instead, he felt his brother-in-law put his arm around him and pull him against his side.

“It’ll be okay, Jensen.  You can fix this.”

Jensen continued to cry for a while longer before he eventually pulled back, wiping his face.

“How come you’re not punching me in the face right now?” he couldn’t help but ask.

Jeff looked like he was watching a scene play out, somewhere far off in the distance, before he answered.

“Maybe because I know that we both failed him.  And I’m not a hypocrite.”

Jensen was confused.  “What are you talking about, Jeff?”

“He’s my baby brother, Jensen.  I’m supposed to protect him.  And I didn’t.”

Jensen was shocked.  “Jeff, you couldn’t have-“

“I’m a goddamn doctor, Jensen!” Jeff yelled.  “I’m a goddamn doctor, living in the same goddamn city as you, and I didn’t fucking see it!  I should have seen it.  I-“

Jensen watched on in shock as the other man broke down.  He knew he should offer some form of reassurance, like the fact that he and Jared had been in Vancouver for most of the year, but he knew it wouldn’t do much good.  When you carried the kind of guilt he carried, that Gerry carried, that he now saw Jeff carried, no one’s words could convince you otherwise.  So, instead, he pulled Jeff to him and the two of them cried together, huddled alone in that same family waiting room.

After a while, they both pulled back and began to compose themselves.

“Is that why you bought the plane tickets?” Jensen asked.

Jeff nodded.  “I felt like I had to do something.  _Something_ to help him.”

Jensen nodded in understanding.  They sat there in silence for a few more moments before Jensen spoke again.

“What am I going to do, Jeff?  He doesn’t want anything to do with me.  I’m gonna lose him.  I can’t let that happen.  I can’t.  I won’t survive that.”  Jensen hunched over, head in his hands as he contemplated everything he was about to lose.

“What you do,” Jeff began sternly, “is you prove yourself.  You don’t back out, you don’t leave.  You show him that you’re in this.  You don’t run away.  You know Jared’s always been an ‘actions speak louder than words’ kind of guy.  _Show_ him that you won’t leave that easily.”

He paused for a second before he chuckled to himself.  “And if you can throw in a grand gesture or two, that’d probably help too.”  They shared knowing smiles.  They both knew Jared loved big, grand gestures.  He often put so much thought and effort into things like anniversaries or Jensen’s birthday.  Jensen thought for a while before a thought hit him like a ton of bricks.  He turned to Jeff with wide eyes.

“I need your help.”


	7. First Step Towards Redemption

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> I'm sorry this chapter is so short. I'm exhausted right now and the ending here was a good place to stop before we get into the aftermath. I hope this chapter isn't too terrible. Thank you for sticking with me!

“Okay. You got it?”

Sitting at a table in one of the hospital’s consultation rooms, Jensen watched his brother-in-law fiddle with his camera.

Jeff made one final check to make sure he was at a good height and then nodded.

“Yep. Aaand…” He made a single tap. “We’re on.”

Jensen lifted his arm to wave once at the camera. “Hey, y’all. This video has been a long time coming. There are a lot of things I need to tell you, but I need to first start with the most important: I am madly in love with Jared Tristan Padalecki. I’ve been in love with him for the past 13 years. I haven’t been doing a good job of showing it recently, but that man is the most important part of my life and I love him more than I ever thought I could love another person.”

Jensen let out a big whoosh of breath. Finally.

Fucking finally.

He continued, “Okay. I just had to get that out. That’s something I’ve been wanting to say in public for the past 13 years.

I’m sure most of you guys have seen that video that Jared posted. When I saw it…I was both beyond proud and just as heartbroken. In that video, Jared included me in his list of supportive “friends” and that just about killed me. Jared has wanted to come out for years. Let me tell you, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, that man has the most courage I’ve ever seen in a human being. He didn’t care if coming out would affect his career. He wanted to be his honest self and was ready for whatever ramifications that brought with it. I was the coward. I was the one who was too scared to be out about who I was. Even when it got to be unbearable…” Jensen swallowed the sudden lump in his throat as tears began to prick at the corners of his eyes. “…when Jared would have fucking breakdowns…I was never brave enough to give up the charade.”

He went back to the beginning. He talked about meeting Jared for the first time at that audition, how for the first and only time in his life, he felt an instant connection with someone. How he was immediately attracted to Jared’s beauty, but by the end of the day, he felt like he had known him forever.

He talked about the pressure from the network to find beards once it was out that they were dating. How agonizing it was to watch the love of his life pretend to be in love with someone else, and how he hated himself for having to do the same thing with Dani.

He talked about their wedding, their real wedding, and how perfect it was, but also how his mother didn’t believe it was “real.”

He talked about their family…how much he loved all of the Padaleckis and how they had treated him like family from the beginning. He explained the complicated relationship with his parents, while his siblings were more than supportive.

Finally, he explained what happened before Christmas. How his choices had essentially cost him his family, with his son hating him and his husband wanting to separate.

“I know I deserve every punishment I’m getting right now, but I hope this video is one small step towards showing my family how determined I am to be a better husband and a better father. Thanks for listening, guys. Please keep Jared in your thoughts. Always keep fighting.” He waved to the camera again before Jeff pressed ‘stop.’

Both men were silent as Jensen wiped his eyes. Finally, Jeff spoke.

“Well. I think you’re on your way to redemption, little brother.”

Jensen let out a single wet chuckle. “Do you really think it’ll make a difference?”

“You just confessed your undying love for Jared and claimed your family for all the world to see. That’s a grand gesture if I’ve ever seen one. You still got a hell of a lot of work to do, but it’s a start.”

Jensen flashed a genuine smile. For the first time in the past two weeks…maybe even longer than that…he felt hope beginning to build.

“So…” Jeff cut into his thoughts. "What are we calling this video?”

Jensen thought for a moment. He remembered a convention from years ago, when Jared joked about wanting JTP to be the new JTT. He chuckled to himself as he typed in the name of the video on his Facebook and Twitter pages.

I <3 JTP


End file.
